11/27/17

I had a hard time coming to work this morning. I heard commotion upstair and went up before going to work and Daddy was in the recliner and Momma was in their bed. She had shoes and scissors in the bed and looked frightened. When I asked her what was going on she said Daddy was trying to kill her. Apparently, Momma wouldn't stay in the hospital bed and kept getting up and walking into the bedroom. She grabbed her grabber and was trying to take down the ceiling fan. Then when Daddy tried to take it from her and give her pain meds she started swinging it at him.  He got it from her but she wouldn't let him touch her or take meds from him. I calmed her down gave her her pain pill and she wanted me to pray with her so I did. She then felt better and said I could go to work. Called her on break and lunch and she was no longer frightened and had been sleeping. I love my sweet Momma!

Life with Momma

It's getting near the end.  Momma is quite out of it most the time and says crazy silly things.  I love sitting with her while she rests it sleeps. She looks so peaceful.  Daddy's asleep now too. He is so tired. Bless his heart, he has worked so hard these past 9 months taking care of Momma. I know it's hard watching his wife slip away. I pray that he is comforted and blessed with health and strength to keep going. He only leaves Momma to go grocery shopping and then either I'm here with her or another family member or neighbor. They are so loved by their neighbors and friends. Sometimes Momma just starts singing rhymes and songs from her childhood. It's so cute and fun. I sometimes wish Heavenly Father would take her so she won't have to suffer from the pain anymore.  I love my Momma so very much! She and my Daddy are my heroes. They do so much good for everyone. Momma and Daddy are the glue that holds us all together. I hope after Momma passes that I will be able to step up and keep us together.

Vision in January 7, 2017

    While I was in the Oquirrh Mountain Temple, during the session I saw a vision of my sweet Ashley kneeling at a Temple alter being sealed to Preston Myer and her sweet girls as a family. It was an answer to my prayers for the hearts to be open and accept the gospel as they were taught while they were growing up. I know the Gospel of Jesus Christ The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true. I love the Lord and my older brother Jesus Christ.  I know that Families can be together Forever if they follow the teachings of his church. It is run by our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

Life sucks!

It sucks that at 52 years old I don't feel loved unconditionally I don't feel like I can tell people what I want to say how I want to say it and without having to worry about if somebody's going to take offense and not talk to me again or not let me see grandkids or anything to that affect I can't feel bad because then it hurts everybody else's feelings and I just I'm tired of being the rock I don't want to be a rock anymore I don't want to do it I'm sick and tired of it and I just feel like nobody truly cares about me and how I feel. The one person who will listen and is understanding and will always love me no matter what and won't judge is Momma and I'm not going to have her much longer. If I try to talk to anyone else I'll be asked 50 questions and and basically told I have no business feeling that way it don't feel that way or they try arguing with me about how I feel. I just want to sleep for days. I don't want my Momma to die!!!  My heart is shattered!!! I'm scared to not have her here. Who am I going to lean on and talk to??? It sucks that I don't feel like there is any family that I can tell my feelings too and know I won't be judged or pushed away.

Charity

I've had a lot to think about. My goal is to take the best care of Momma and Daddy as I can during this hard time in all our lives. "Charity never faileth". I'm so grateful that I'm able to spend so much time with them. We have no idea when Mommas last day will be. It's hard for me to go on being "normal". Overnight my whole world changed. My best friend is dying of Plural Mesothelioma. I can't do anything to take away her pain and nausea. I can do charity around the house for them and spend time with them doing all I can to make each day as easy as possible. I can literally feel the heaviness of my heart. It hurts so bad. The day she goes to live with Heavenly Father is going to kill me. I cry almost daily. When I'm sitting home and have too much time to think, it's bad. I watch shows that I know while make me laugh. "I'm better because I knew you"-Wicked

Momma's Meso

I lost my job on January 12, 2017. Then on Feb 15, 2017 my Momma found out she had Mesothiloma. She went in to have a biopsy on Feb 22nd and what was supposed to be an overnight stay became an 18 day stay in the hospital. Momma threw up while she had a C pap mask on and aspirated it and got bacterial pneumonia and it was also in her blood stream. She was them moved to ICU and intubated. She was in ICU about 10 days. When she got out of ICU and was stable she was moved to Rocky Mountain Care Facility and was there for 2 weeks. She was able come home 33 days later.
During that month we found out Momma's meso was malignant and incurable. Momma's home now and getting stronger. She wasn't going to do chemo, however after meeting with an oncologist Dr Chalmers she has decided to try it.  Her first cycle will be on Thursday April 5th.  Momma only did the one chemo treatment as it made her very sick.  She then tried a trial drug Keytruda.  That made her sick as well. She is now not doing any treatments and is on hospice. Her joints are painful, she can't even open a bottle of water now. Momma has a great attitude. She is not afraid of dying. I know she won't go until she believes Daddy is going to be able to handle her death. He's having an extremely difficult time as it's to be expected. I go over almost daily to sit and talk with Momma or go with Daddy to check out mortuaries and just run errands to keep him company.  I love my parents so very very much! They are wonderful examples of how to love the Gospel.

Anxiety

Wade and I started cleaning out the garage and as spoon as the first box was opened I started to get sick to my stomach and emotional. Why is it so difficult to go through my stuff and thin everything down? I know because it mostly reminds me of the time when it was just me and kids. Those are favorite years. We had so much fun and did everything together. Singing and dancing and acting always together. My children are so very precious to me. I will always have those memories to look back on. I love you Jessica Sue, Ashley Anne & Nathan James you're my everything!